Does anyone out there remember a book by L. Frank Baum from 1900, or the movie that it inspired in 1939, with a young girl named Dorothy? It was written before our time, but in the late 1950’s, through the 60’s and 70’s it was an annual television event for most of America.
The story revolves around our heroine Dorothy. She is a sweet girl living on a farm in the heartland of America, somewhere you could almost call Mitch country. It was a place where people had homespun values, respect for their neighbors, and other attributes we don’t see around us as much today. The sort of country Johnny Mellencamp might later sing about.
Dorothy lives on this farm with her Auntie Nancy, Uncle Chuck, and her cute little Cairn Terrier Toto. They appear to be raising her in the absence of parents. Chuck and Nancy clearly care about Dorothy, but they also have bigger matters on their minds. They have hands to assist them on the farm, but even the hands appear to be overwhelmed at times. Dorothy longs for a better time and sings a song about a place and time when rainbows were just rainbows, and not used to attack an entire demographic.
In the next scene we meet Dorothy’s nemesis, her evil neighbor Kelly Anne. Kelly Anne is bent on destroying Toto for whatever reason evil people just need something awful to do. She concocts this story about having been bitten by Toto, and while Auntie Nancy and Uncle Chuck don’t believe her farfetched trope, she manages to confuse matters using alternative facts. She snatches Toto away, puts him in a picnic basket, and rides off on her bicycle with Dorothy’s dog.
As the evil neighbor rides away on her bike, Toto gets restless and jumps from Kelly’s basket. Toto runs back to Dorothy, who then decides to run away from home. She travels on foot with her dog Toto. Immediately after crossing a bridge she runs into a rotund man named Professor Best Words. He’s more of a snake oil salesman than a professor, but he once owned a now discredited and defunct pretend University, so Dorothy gives him the benefit of the doubt. The professor had some weird ass mess on top of his head that should have made her wonder, but if our girl Dorothy had a fault it was that she was a bit too trusting.
The fake soothsayer pulled out a crystal ball and did everything that he could to make Dorothy believe that he knew what the future holds in store for Dorothy and her loved ones. He painted images that Dorothy could relate to like family, picket fences, and little pink houses. He juxtaposed those images with terrible, stressful, and terrifying images that he would conjure up in his warped mind. Through his gaslighting and miscues he managed to make poor Dorothy all afraid. She leaves Professor Best Words behind and heads on her way.
Immediately we see that a very intense storm is kicking up. It starts out with howling winds, we see flashes between Dorothy and Toto trying to go home, and the hands back on the farm trying to button things down. Dorothy arrives home as the storm turns into a tornado, but she is locked out of the family storm shelter. She goes in the house calling for anyone, but they are already locked down and cannot hear her. A widow rips off it’s frame and clocks Dorothy in the head, possibly knocking her out.
The tornado rips Dorothy’s home right off its foundation and sends it spinning off into the distance with her in it. She sees all kinds of weird, hallucinogenic images out the window. People she knew, household kitchen items by Ivanka, even a baby’s arm holding an apple. Oh shit, Kelly Anne just flew by riding a bicycle, then turned into a witch riding on a broom right before our very eyes.
After all this the house slowly descends back to earth in a nice soft landing as these things usually would have it. Dorothy looks outside and everything looks magical, yet different from anything she has been used to. Her and Toto quickly realize that they’re not in Kansas anymore. As Dorothy takes in these most unusual and technicolor surroundings, she suddenly meets a kind witch Glinda. Glinda calls out all the locals and Dorothy realizes that there are people everywhere around her. People hidden in bushes popping out of tunnels, over borders. Dorothy quickly reaches the conclusion that these might be the people who look different than us who Professor Best Words warned her about. They all seem extremely nice and fun to be around, they even bring with them their own culture and foods, so Dorothy was confused by the fake professors’ unkind words.
Next, we learn from Glinda that Dorothy is now a hero as it seems when the house came down it landed right on top of the Wicked Witch of the East. All to be seen
Sarah threatened revenge on Dorothy for the killing of her sister. She also seemed to just enjoy being part of the scene. Lying, obfuscating on a daily basis. She never seemed to have a big stake in things, she just seemed to enjoy lying and telling big stories. Biblical proportion stories.
So, by now, Glinda has put the ruby slippers on Dorothy and sent her off down the golden brick road to the City of Bling, where the Fantastic, Best You’ve Ever, nobody else has this, Wizard of Putz resides. Dorothy embarks on her journey, and along the way she meets a scarecrow who has no brain, a tin man that had no heart, and a cowardly, or sometimes just without impulse control, lion.
They become determined to travel to the Land of Putz together, and they also realize that they are now going to be a crack crime-fighting squad. You see, while the scarecrow cannot think, he allows the others to understand how the wizard is able to talk even without a brain. While the tin man has no heart, neither does the wizard so again a perfect tool for figuring out Putz. Lastly, the lion has just absolutely no self-control. Like the kind of lack of control whereupon you do not want to leave him alone in a room with a woman who is not his wife. So of course, the lion will be insightful in trying to figure out the Wizard of Putz’ lesser-known sidekick Dr. Evilpence.
Turns out the wizard is just full of tricks. He has the wicked Sarah deploy his space force in the way of flying monkeys, they exploit the existing opiate crisis with a giant poppy field and offer nuclear secrets to the Saudis for personal profit. But the resistance kids persevere and continue to the Land of Putz. At the gate, they are ridiculed for thinking that they would make an
Somehow the foursome is granted their meeting with the Great Putz. They are brought before this blustering, crazy image, with fires burning and (believe it or not) orange smoke everywhere. They are told that they will all be granted their wishes provided they retrieve the broomstick from the wicked witch Sarah. The Putz frames it as a small task. The resisters know this is no simple task. They protest to the Great Putz that “we will have to kill the witch to take away her broomstick”. To this Putz replies “you fools, you don’t have to kill her, you just have to pull the stick out of her ass”.
The gang heads out on their mission and Sarah once again deploys the space monkeys who are successful in grabbing Dorothy and Toto. This is probably due to the fact that space patrols are always the best first defense.
Lucky little Toto breaks away and gets free again. When the witch isn’t paying attention Auntie Nancy pops up on the crystal ball looking for Dorothy. The guys meanwhile establish a plan to overpower some guards and steal their uniforms. Miraculously, their plan works, and they get inside the castle gates. The tin man frees Dorothy by chopping through the wood door of her holding cell. The gang tangles with dozens of guards, and while it looks like they are floundering they actually overpower the guards once again. The witch finally gets the group cornered and uses the standard issue, Nazi skinhead approved, tiki torch to light the hay stuffing of the scarecrow on fire. In trying to put out the fire Dorothy throws a bucket of water at the scarecrow in the process hitting the witch and causing her to melt. The wicked witch dies, everyone is so happy that they write a song about it.
Meanwhile, feeling beleaguered, the Great Putz starts spewing more of his vile hatred, making his oversized claims, demeaning people of every sort. He tries to intimidate the resisters in any way he can, breaking all norms, and cherished customs. About this time Toto breaks away one last time and pulls back the curtain on the Great Putz. He turns out to not be the great leader that he portrayed himself to be, not the dealmaker, not winning, winning, and winning. Rather the emperor had no clothes, and it wasn’t a pretty sight. He was grotesque in fact. Tiny little hands, nasty scowl, big hanging gut, and now bare for the world to see. Upon noticing he has been exposed, the once feared Putz demands “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain”. To which Dorothy (who it’s critical at this time we understand represents the American majority who despise Trump) looks at The Great Putz and ponders “Donald, What the f*ck is wrong with you?”